A deeply honest prayer for a man in a coma

God, he squeezed my hand last week and I almost cried with joy!
And today, he opened his eyes
..but they didn't see. didn't focus.

Is this what it's like for you to wait on your people to be faithful?
Is this how you feel about the church, sometimes?
...waiting for us to wake up?

When I heard about the accident, I thought he had died.
I thought perhaps this is peace for him--freedom from his addictions

And then, when he made it through the first couple of surgeries, I thought Lord! What an opportunity! What a great way to bring restoration and power and testimony into his life!

And then I was afraid.
What happens if he DOES wake up?
What kind of therapy will he get?
What kind of pain will he be in?
How will the rehab facilities treat a homeless man without insurance or income?

But I prayed through it, God.
You know 'cause you were there:
           at that altar with Darryl.
           praying strength and hope and faith and resurrection.
          "We know you're not done working miracles." prayed Darryl.
                                                                                                   Amen!
                                                                                                   (I echoed)


But today, staring into those blank eyes,
                    seeing his un-seeing,
                    I am shaken again.

I DID have a moment of Holy Week connection:
Is he experiencing Holy Saturday?
That middle place between death and life?
...that in-between place of not-quite and still waiting? 

If so, then it means his resurrection still coming!

I want him awake and well.

I want him to know freedom and life in the fullest.

I want him back in our church with the powerful taste of grace on his lips.

And I know that you CAN.

God almighty,
Creator and redeemer of all things,
I know that you CAN bring restoration and healing.

...I just don't know if you will.

Lord have mercy!

I'm not sure that I know the difference between lack of faith and "Your will--not mine--be done"
(because sometimes they feel the same)

...and I don't want you to tell me 'no'

I don't want to be disappointed.

Because I want resurrection my way and in my timing...

So it might be selfish. I know.

But I want him to miraculously wake up.

So I'm asking. 

Please, Lord?

Converging Thoughts On Preaching

There's a LOT going on in my head right now, so here's my attempt to delineate the intersections of influence...

---

1) I received some honest criticism about my preaching a few weeks back (from someone I really respect):

Your presentation and delivery is good, but your sermons are pretty... like mosaics with lots to see. Or like monorail tours at Disney. There's a lot to see--and you show a lot, but at some point, you need to get off the tram. Step down. Go deep.
(i.e. be more specific about the text)

--> incidentally, a different incredible person said I "spend too much time telling people what they should feel--when you should be sharing the story that encourages them to feel that way. You should trust more in the Holy Spirit. --let the seeds sink in. "  (i.e. be less specific about the text)

...So I'm not quite sure where to go with both of these, but I'm holding them. For now.

2)  I'm currently reading  Giving Blood: A Fresh Paradigm for Preaching by Leonard Sweet who remembers his mother shaking her head and muttering "there' no blood on the pulpit today" whenever the sermon was dull or void of deep life. For Sweet, preaching is metaphorical and image-driven (like I generally try to preach) but it's also deeply experiential. He likens preaching "giving blood."

...pouring yourself out. (interestingly, the notion of "pouring ourselves out to others" was one of the themes at a recent missions/ministry retreat)
Sweet says the preacher should be spent and exhausted after preaching.

3) I recently preached a "personal testimony" sermon and found the experience way more terrifying than I expected. I was wiped. For days.   
Esther (friend and fellow clergy) says this phenomenon is what Brene Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover."
[it might also be worth noting that I was hesitant about this kind of sermon. I didn't want to make the sermon about me, but I was mostly nervous that sharing a testimony from my childhood would make me seem permanently young... Allen assured me that it would not]

4) I kept reading Giving Blood and found this quote by George Bernard Shaw on preaching: “Some is like coffee, stimulates but does not nourish; some is like wine, has sparkle but no lasting value; some is like seltzer water, a big fuss over nothing; and some is like spring water—good, but hard to get!”

5) I've been listening to Nadia Boltz-Weber sermons that are incredible. OMG, they're so good!!! Deeply theological, rich with resonant biblical imagery... AND incredibly personal, open, and vulnerable. AND chock-full of current cultural/political references

In one sermon, she flat-out admits that she doesn't know what to do with the transfiguration story: 
"I did go to seminary," she says, "so I could write 1500 words about how the word glory is used in the Bible or about who Moses and Elijah were and what they likely represented to Peter James and John, but I couldn't figure out why any of that mattered to you or me…. I couldn't find anything in the text that breaks my heart."

And my thought was "oh no!! Do I do that? Are my sermons  theoretically theological without any real meat? In the words of another great quote I recently heard--are they so spiritual that they're no earthly good?

---

So I'm wrestling with this thing that I thought was my strength.
(and I'm concerned that I might simply be 'writing pretty words' that sparkle)
(or that my natural energy level and preaching style stimulates, but doesn't transform)

 

 ...and I've come at least to this conclusion:

I want to preach good sermons.
Good, deep, bold, biblical proclamations
Not for my glory or remembrance...
(honestly. Jim Cymbala's Fresh Wind Fresh Fire already challenged me on that; the difference between worship leaders who 'entertain' and get accolades and worship services that genuinely make space for people to experience God.)
...but because I genuinely want God's people to encounter grace and transformation. 

So I'm praying for that.

For all of that.